You Write the Caption: Sexy Football Edition

Admit it, when you first heard Alexi Lalas use the term Sexy Football to describe what the Los Angeles Galaxy would play like, you laughed out loud. After all, there’s positively nothing sexy about watching Alan Gordon try to control a soccer ball.

What we probably didn’t consider about the statement was that Lalas may have been referring to his internationally recognized defender Abel Xavier. He of the flashy clothes and outrageous hairstyles. It is tough to argue that Xavier just might be the sexiest traffic cone in the history of soccer.

Don’t believe me? Well, check out this week’s installment of You Write the Caption, which features a photo unearthed by my boy SF at The Offside Rules:


"Abel, no referee could ever give a red card to someone looking this fierce."

Okay, you know the routine. Share your own caption suggestions in the comments section below and I will choose the Top 10, including the No. 1 caption, which will earn the author a free t-shirt courtesy of Objectivo Apparel.

Fire away (and please try to keep the captions clean).

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82 Responses to You Write the Caption: Sexy Football Edition

  1. jevanvoo says:

    I don’t know if I can get the carpet to match the drapes…

  2. Dannyc58 says:

    Abel Xavier getting ready for his first acting job playing the “Groomed Ape” in

    Planet of the Apes: Hollywood Style.

  3. Tom says:

    We now go behind the scenes as prepartions conclude for the new Just For Men commercial.

  4. Michael F. says:

    “If Beckham no love me now, he no love me ever.”

  5. soccerroo says:

    This wig is just to small. I need the Valderrama wig.

  6. Stephen says:

    “David may get the screaming ten year old girls but I got the hair.”

  7. inkedAG says:

    This hair is un-be-weave-able!!!

  8. Phil says:

    “Very sexy, but do I have to keep the chinstrap?”

  9. PK says:

    “Sisqo, Rodman and now Xavier have tried it, so should you. I’m Guiseppi Franco and I know nothing about this company.”

  10. Mike Caramba says:

    Yes, Abel, your hair is equally ugly in the back.

  11. SBI brings you a sneak peek at Abel Xavier’s new look, “Magnum”.

  12. Nick says:

    “Is it supposed to look like someone dumped a bowl of spaghetti on my head?”

  13. Dezi says:

    With Landon and Becks on your team, you’ve got to always be watching your backside.

  14. CD says:

    My hairs’ to sexy for this shirt(LA GALAXY)…

  15. pat pug says:

    “I said frosted TIPS, this just looks ridiculous”

  16. Homey Boehme says:

    “Can you do the same thing to my eyebrows?”

  17. Cindy says:

    “With everyone’s eyes on my hair, no one will notice my feet”

  18. Mike Caramba says:

    Brigitte Nielsen tells of secret affair with Eazy-E–love child pictured above.

  19. CD says:

    The moment Abel Xavier realizes there might be some adverse side affects from Anabolic steroids.

  20. CPTKevin says:

    Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it’s usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like Becks and Landon. I mean, it’s not just the Galaxy uniform. It’s the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.

    Landon, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it.

  21. Steve says:

    Perfect! It looks just like a yellow card. You sure we shouldn’t go red?

  22. kpugs says:

    Action shot: Galaxy defender Abel Xavier playing hard against Houston on 4/19.

  23. Michael D Williams says:

    I need more juice, my jerry curl’s going dry back here!

  24. Dannyc58 says:

    Abel Xavier confirms not all mirrors break in his presence.

  25. markspence02 says:

    I’m Rick James!

  26. Jeff says:

    Nope; I still doesn’t look gay enough.

  27. Jeff says:

    Nope; I still don’t look gay enough.

  28. Marshall881 says:

    After getting burned early and often this year, Abel Xavier makes sure the back of his head looks good for his opponents as they run by him.

  29. Jeff says:

    Ladies, please avert your eyes, because I have been known to hypnotize!

  30. Topher says:

    “Our reporters were able to get a photo inside the Galaxy locker room.”

  31. Robert says:

    No, I want the Valderrama look. Go longer… hair extensions.

  32. DCUinCT says:

    “Now I will be the envy of all MLS transvestites.”

  33. mrcjanssen says:

    This is fierce! No, wait, this is hot mass! No, this is fierce!…

  34. Andrew Karl says:

    “Trust me Abel, I cut my poodles hair too, there are no dingleberries left back here.”

  35. Jayboy says:

    …this week on ‘Queer Eye for the Completely Incompetent Defender’…

  36. soulshad0w says:

    Trust me, Abel, when those attackers spin you around, the back of your head is going to look fierce on HDTV!

  37. I was looking for a Madonna “Like a Virgin” ‘do and you gave me a Hillary Clinton! Fix it!

  38. Lloyd Heilbrunn says:

    “See Landon, no bald spot…..”

  39. Matt says:

    Napolean Dynamite plays soccer?

  40. Mike says:

    Maybe now Beckham will notice me…..

  41. Gilly73 says:

    “Make sure the back looks good, that’s what people see on TV while I chase forward’s from behind”

  42. mike says:

    You see Twellman, this is how you get ladies in a hot tub.

  43. Steve says:

    Nice work Vanney, but lose the mustache.

  44. Steve says:

    The Galaxy continue the search for a replacement for their biggest offseason loss… …Cobi Jones’ hair.

  45. Chow says:

    I’ll have the 1998 Justin Timberlake special!

  46. Garret says:

    “No, I said curly! It still looks too straight.”

  47. Mike Caramba says:

    The Beckham Effect: due to David Beckham’s abnormally large wage, other members of the Galaxy are forced to supplement their modest incomes–Abel Xavier, pictured above, recently signed a $53,000-per-year contract as spokesperson for the struggling Cabbage Patch Kids Corp.

  48. Mike Caramba says:

    “Party in the back…and in the front.”

  49. j1m says:

    Inspired by the success of Guissipe Franco and Sy Sterling, Abel Xavier is hired to be the spokesman for Canandian pelt trader / hair loss clinic, Hair Clubbed for Men.

  50. Tony in Quakeland says:

    “Giuseppe Franco, eat your heart out!”

  51. SoccerMan says:

    Which mop did you rip this off of?

  52. Geoff says:

    Another brave knight attempts to get Medusa to look into the mirror…

  53. pamo says:

    Now that’s posh!

  54. Voyager says:

    Brains on the outside, not the inside.

  55. brent says:

    Sexual Chocalate! Sexual Chocalate!

  56. Randy Biernat says:

    Nothing says MLS success like the proper length mullet.

  57. Steve says:

    I’m too sexy for the pitch

    Too sexy for the pitch

    So sexy I i-itch

    I’m too sexy for defending

    Too sexy for defending..

    This ain’t no sexy football

    I’m a m-m-moron, you know what I mean?

    And I do my little turn as they blow by me.

    As they blow by me

    As they blow by me, yeah,

    I do my little turn as they blow by me.

  58. John says:

    i vote for Michael’s “If Beckham no love me now, he no love me ever.”

  59. KirkBhoy says:

    “Can you make this any less aerodynamic? It makes the game seem like its going at a faster pace.”

  60. HE from NJ says:

    I’m too sexy for my hair, too sexy for my hair… so sexy it hurts!

  61. Steve B says:

    Abel, I promise this color won’t show grass stains when you get beaten by a rookie forward and fall on your head.

  62. sayervilleFC says:

    His ‘nad sack kept hitting me right… here!

  63. Chris says:

    This is how the back of your hair will look to the opposing team’s fowards who blow past you on a regular basis.

  64. Dominghosa says:

    jevanoo’s takes the cake. sorry fellas.

  65. gigi says:

    Now if i can only get someone to bleach it down there……LALAS WHERE ARE YOU!

  66. Danny says:

    Wait! I look like I’m the one that is supposed to cutting the hair.

  67. j1 says:

    This is an example of a revolutionary hair product called procede ( Results may vary).

  68. Marlon says:

    Becks better not be lying that blondes have more fun.

  69. Nordy says:

    Abel: “How do I look?”

    Guiseppe Franco: “Slow”

  70. NOLA soccer fan says:

    “You call this a perm!! Look at the frays back here”

  71. Zungazan says:

    “Dang rookies keep putting their bubble gum in my hair.”

  72. Mike Caramba says:

    In response to his embarrassing appearance in SBI’s “You Write the Caption,” Xavier decides to mix things up with a more traditional jheri curl–Abel baffled by its less-than-possitive response

  73. Scott A says:

    And somehow, Landon Donovan is only the third girliest member of the Galaxy.

  74. Craig says:

    “Now at least my hair isn’t as leaky as my defense”

  75. Igor says:

    “That’ll show Beckham!”

  76. papa bear says:

    Thank you for the haircut, sir. You have done an exemplary job. <—Abel Xavier’s defensive abilities are funny enough without a witty caption adding to the comedy of errors.

  77. V says:

    3. Xavier doing his own flea-check.

    2. DP = Discolored Perm

    1. The carpet doesn’t match the drapes…

  78. Nordy says:

    Abel: “Hey Giuseppe, how do I look?”

    Giuseppe: “Slow”

  79. Mike Caramba says:

    “___________________ Beckham, ___________________ Giuseppe Franco/Proceed. And then Abel said, ‘I’m too sexy for __________, too sexy for __________, so sexy it hurts!'”

  80. mutinyfan says:

    back in Portugal people used to laugh at my hair, but in los angeles they really get me

  81. mutinyfan says:

    i demand to see edward scissors hands he always cuts my hair

  82. Jason says:

    Sheepdog is the new black.